A Small-Penised Race

12/21/2003

One of my favorite books is 1979’s Motel of the Mysteries. It’s a short work, based on the idea that some future archaeologists stumbles upon a typical motel room of our era. Their conclusions about our how we lived our lives is hilarious: the motel bathroom contains a “porcelain sarcophagus” (aka bathtub), complete with a body reclined within it. Adjacent to the sarcophagus is an altar with a mystic scroll, emblazoned with the incantation, “Sanitized for your Protection.”

The archaeologists conclude that if they could just determine what was on those long paper scrolls we kept next to the altar (aka toilet paper), they’d have solved the riddle of our civilization.

In the years since that piece was written, our society has changed a bit. Imagine what conclusions future archaeologists might draw based on an extensive examination of our e-mail:

“Theirs was a short-penised race. Short-penis syndrome was apparently a birth defect of epidemic proportions, as evidenced by an absolutely overwhelming number of corrective technologies including pills, patches, creams, lotions, and several rather dubious-looking appliances.”

“The world at that time was divided into countries. Different countries were used for different purposes. For instance, all widows of ex-military generals were sent to live in a country named Nigeria. Here they were forced to beg for help in exporting currency to other countries as a means of financial support.”

“Due to the widespread problems with insufficient penis length, sexually explicit films were very popular. These were usually filmed in large, famous hotels, and featured a variety of novel and perhaps even illegal acts. One hotel in particular, the Paris Hilton, was well-known as a hot spot for a variety of illicit activities.”

Can you think of any other misconceptions (assuming that any of these _are in error) that future historians might make? E-mail them to me and I’ll add them to the list with attribution._